TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historic society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed through the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the greatest. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally out of position. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, positive, let's have another position the place American Males can put on robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although prior negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: give Anyone a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often tender electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower inside of a war zone. It can be that he need to prevent working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the undertaking, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head visible from Room, a function becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after obtaining the setting up's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Bewildering Characteristics


Probably the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever visitors may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "In case you Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where by's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is currently attracting interest from international buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will also incorporate:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the Trump Tower Damascus revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort where my PTSD might have change-down company."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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